Someone's Gotta Care for the Broken

Some people don't get the opportunity to come into the world and have the "easy life"; some come into it expecting joy only to experience so much sorrow. There are some people whom the world literally breaks. They don't see sin as a toy to play with. They see death; they've experienced the hurt. They might not know the word for it, but they know evil when they see it and they hate it because evil kills. They've experienced sin's destruction first-hand. Sin destroyed them.

Some children are victims of their parents' sins. Some children had pain inflicted on them because their parents didn't know God or didn't even have a moral code. Someone's gotta be there for children like that. They don't deserve the life they got. They didn't choose it. Why should they have to pay for the sins of their fathers and mothers? Aren't they the innocent ones? Shouldn't someone care? Shouldn't someone have compassion enough to inconvenience their "own" life and open up their hearts to the broken? A broken child turns into a broken adult which turns into a broken society. Someone's gotta care. Someone's gotta reach these children and share the Gospel with them because that's the only way they can be different from their parents. That's the only way they can stop the trend. Children like these need help. They need a loving hand to guide them. They need someone to finally take notice of them and care. God is the only one who can fix the broken and someone's gotta have the heart to follow God's command and go reach the children and give them a better chance at life.

I was a broken child and someone cared for me. Someone finally saw me and I am much better off because of it. I've got a story to tell now; I've a got a story that can bring God glory because He did the impossible in my life. But He used a person, no several people, to do it. God could do this again for someone else, if only one of His people would care.

Isaiah got the opportunity to reach a child in Steelton today, because he went out. He obeyed God's call. He was faithful to sit and wait even though it looked like no one was coming. God sent him a little child because Isaiah was faithful. I'm so glad I married a man who cares for the broken.

Nehemiah's Birth Story

Nehemiah Job was born in April 2013 at 10:10pm. He weighed 9 lbs 7 oz and was 21 inches long. I labored with him for about 6 hours, most of which was done at home, in retrospect, my husband and I say that we should have just had him at home. Nehemiah's birth was the most traumatic of all of my boys. We had a terrible experience at Harrisburg Hospital; it was a nightmare. All of the people involved (doctor, nurses, mil) freaked out and made the experience that much worse to where we decided to get out of the OBGYN system and find something better. Thankfully, we found Dr. Abbott and we have had two pleasant experiences with him of which I have already shared in both Valiant and Levi's birth stories.

I began having contractions every 5 minutes on a Wednesday in April around 4:30pm. I called Isaiah at 5:30pm to let him know about my contractions. He came home from work around 6:15pm. He called his Mom shortly after and then the doctor. The doctor was supposed to call us back soon, but did not. He called the doctor again at 7:45pm after I saw some blood on my pad. The doctor finally called back and said to come to the hospital. So I ventured my very much in labor self down our 23 stairs and out to the car. I had to stop halfway down due to a contraction and then stop again at the bottom to deal with yet another. I got into the car and it was THE WORSE CAR RIDE EVER. I could feel every bump and what was worse, when we got to the hospital we had to follow a detour and ended up parking in the Visitor Parking rather than the Emergency Parking. So I had to do some more walking and stopping. No one offered me a wheel chair as I walked in; no one seemed to noticed how much I was in labor.

We got to the hospital around 8:30pm. There was no room for us in the Inn. All of the private labor rooms were taken, so they put me in a bed in a shared labor area. I told them I was ready to push, but they still wanted to check to see if I was fully dilated. As they checked, my water broke and they told me, that I couldn't have the baby there and they'd have to move me to another room. They took me to an operating room and I delivered Nehemiah on a flat C-section table. I delivered him up-hill, flat on my back, the way that I had read was THE WORSE way to have a baby. No comfy pillows, no adjustable bed, no quiet, peaceful environment, not one of the things that they had promised me I would have when we had walked through the hospital tour.

So yeah, I was in the crowning or transitional stage (pushing) for about an hour. I used no pain medications or drugs. I had wanted to give birth in the squatting position, but that clearly didn't happen, they didn't even give me the option, but God gave me the grace and strength to deliver on my back. As I said, everything about this labor was a nightmare. I was not happy with the doctor at all, but there wasn't anything that I could do about it. When we had her in the regular visit, I begged God not to have her on the day of my birth, but God had His reasons for saying “No” and I had to accept His will and way. I labored in the way I had not wanted to. I wanted to be solely in control of my pushing efforts, but the doctor was in a hurry and kept pressing me to push when I really wasn't ready to. She was very pushy; I really don't handle pushy, bossy, rude people well. Being yelled at to push was not my idea of a calm, relaxing, peaceful birth. I felt very pressured and like I was holding everyone up so I tried to make people happy and pushed when I knew I wasn't even having a contraction. It was so hard to even focus on when my contractions were coming because of all of the noise and freaking out going on in the room. Needless to say, labor was hard, but I coped through thinking of God and asking Him for strength to do what I felt was impossible.

So when Nehemiah's head finally came out, the doctor freaked out saying that his shoulders were stuck and one of the nurses jumped on top of me and push down very hard on my stomach to get Nehemiah to pop out, while the doctor pulled on Nehemiah at the other end. Thankfully, Nehemiah, sucking on his right hand, came out just fine; he was healthy and wasn't hurt in the process. They laid him on my chest and he was a consoling distraction from all of the pain that I had suffered. I suffered 4th degree tears, which took an excruciating hour to sew up. I'd take another hour of labor over that horrible hour of being stitched up any day. My whole body ached and I couldn't get up or move much without severe pain. I couldn't sit down for a few weeks afterwards; I cried about how I looked down there and thought I'd never look normal again or stop being in so much pain, but eventually I did heal.

After being stitched they took me to the Recovery Room to check up on me and Nehemiah; they weighed him and Isaiah watched over them to be sure they didn't do anything that he didn't want then to; he had to sign a lot of exemption papers and read through each one. I'm so thankful he did all of that, because I was in no position to read or think about much. For me, they insisted that I pee and asked me if I could get up. I tried to and nearly fainted, so they used a catheter, which the nurse didn't put in the right spot the first time and had to try again. It was annoying, but I still put on a smile and tried to be as kind and happy as I could considering the night. I did a lot of praying, especially for my husband, because he had to watch it all and was doing all he could to protect us from all of their nonsense.

We finally got out of that room and were taken to the Postpartum Room where we thought we might get some rest, but that didn't happen, because someone came in to check on us every 2 hours. They wanted to give Nehemiah a bath and we let them since, he pooped all over me as soon as he came out. We had wanted to wait on that so that his vernix could do it's thing, but that also didn't work out for us. In the postpartum room, I wish that I could have held Nehemiah more and been able to get him for myself, even to bathe him for the first time myself, but I wasn't able to. I was a beached whale. I was too weak and had to stay in one position or else I caused myself horrible pain. He did breastfeed well, though and even though that also caused me pain, I dealt with it for his sake and it was a precious time regardless. We read in the Bible that child birth is painful, and my first most definitely was that indeed, but it was nothing in comparison to the joy of seeing Nehemiah for the very first time and holding him close to my chest, even if he did poop all over me.

I think we spent about 2 and a half days at the hospital and left late in the afternoon on Friday. Thursday was spent reading and signing informational pages, watching required videos, learning how to breastfeed, learning how to get to the bathroom on my own, showering and entertaining a few visitors: Isaiah's Mom and Rachel. On Friday, it took them forever to discharge us, but we eventually made our escape. We may have done a hearing screening on that day and Jaundice test. We definitely met with a pediatrician who told us all about the monkey reflex and how Nehemiah was showing his relationship to monkeys when he waved his arms while he was laying on his back. We did well not to laugh in her face and tell her that God created us and we ain't no kin to a monkey. Nehemiah hated laying on his back and we took care of that once we were home. I'm sure he was just as ready to get out of that jungle as we were.

After being discharged, we packed everything up and left the Postpartum Room. In the elevator, on our way down, we met another new mom who had the tiniest baby. We both commented about the difference in the size of our babies and had some laughs. We were so very happy when we finally made it home and could actually rest, be alone as a family and enjoy our sweet new addition, Nehemiah Job, our little consolation in the midst of sorrow.

Levi's Birth Story

Levi Azariah was born in October of 2015 at 1:45pm. He weighed 9 lbs 11 oz and was 21 inches long. He was (so far) my longest and hardest labor of about 14 hours.

Labor began Wednesday at 11pm. I had at least 3 crazy contractions within that hour, but I was so tired that I just went to the bathroom each time and then laid back down. 

Then at midnight I had another contraction and I was just going to stay in bed, but Isaiah insisted that I get up and walk because he believed that Levi was coming. I was doubtful, but I did get up and contractions became strong and steady. While I was working through them in a rocking chair in our Nursery, Isaiah called Dr. Abbott to get him on the way and then he called our friend Angie Stout. Things were still progressing pretty well. Meanwhile, Isaiah called his Mom to have her pick up Nehemiah and Valiant. Mom and Stephen came, woke the boys, who got up really well, and left with no problem. Shortly after they left, Dr. Abbott arrived and then Angie. Dr. Abbott checked me and I was at 5cm. After Dr. Abbot and Angie arrived, my contractions slowed down pretty dramatically. Dr. Abbott checked me two more times and both times I had not progressed. I remained at 5cm from 12 midnight until 5 am, so Dr. Abbott suggested that we go to the hospital because I was having Dysfunctional Labor and it was better to be safe than sorry. Isaiah was very disappointed, but in the moment, I really didn't mind. I think I was just happy that Levi would be born soon. (Looking back, I believe I just got stage fright when everyone started showing up and didn't feel safe enough to have Levi. I also believe that he was rushed out and just wasn't ready to come yet.) 

We traveled about an hour to the hospital and got there around 6 am. They induced me with 2 doses of Pitocin around 8 am. When I got this amount with Valiant, things moved right along, but not this time. This labor was very long and slow; my cm's took forever. I was taken up to a total of 12 doses of Pitocin in all. It was brutal. 

When I was at 7cm, Dr. Abbott broke my water. When I was told that I was at only 7cm, I was so very tired and sooo disappointed that I wasn't at 10cm yet. I looked up at the clock and it read 1pm. I then began begging the Lord for the labor to be over before 2pm. Dr. Abbott came to check me again and said I was 8cm. I told myself that I only had 2 more to go and begged God for the strength to keep going because I was so exhausted. 

Well, God answered my prayer rather quickly, because I never made it to 10cm. Shortly after being told I was 8cms, I felt a very strong urge to push. So I did and it took 3 pushes and Levi was out. I was so relieved!!! Those 3 pushes were so encouraging because my body was so done. I tore a very little bit and had to get stitched up, but it wasn't as bad as my two previous births. I was OVER-JOYED to have Levi in my arms! We stayed at the hospital until a bit after 7pm and got home around 9pm. Isaiah's Mom kept the boys another night; Nehemiah and Valiant met their new brother the next morning. They were both so thrilled to meet him. It was such a special moment when they held him for the very first time.

Trusting... It's so hard!

No matter what you do, no matter how kind you try to be, as soon as you make a mistake, that's what you become known for. 

Trust... it's so hard to get back once you've lost it. It's a fact. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. One may forgive you without ever trusting you again. It's called self-preservation. People who have been hurt in very huge ways by people their whole life are going to have a hard time trusting. This is another fact. People like this find it hard to trust in the first place and once you lose their trust, more than likely you have lost it forever. Be careful, if you care about those you love, be careful how you treat them; be careful what you say to them and be careful with the words, "I was just kidding." "Can't you take a joke?" #lifelessons 

I've been through a lot of hurt in my life. I could write a book and one day I really hope to. I need to get my feelings on paper. It's my way of finding justice I guess. I want my voice to be heard. It's not about hurting the people who have hurt me. It's about my story. It's about me finding a purpose for everything that has happened to me. I know there are people out there who have been through similar things and they are afraid to speak up. They are afraid to be vulnerable. Afraid of the comments that they may get if they tell about their story to the public. I guess that is why writers write things in story form with fiction characters. They can share a true story without incriminating anyone and then when people read it they wonder if it's a true story rather than Google the person and realize this was indeed a true story and think horribly about either the writer or those the writer is talking about.  

I hate being judged. I hate when people don't love me, but the fact is, some people just don't love me. Some people flat out hate me and consider me their enemy because I have hurt these people. I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be. Growing up, my adoptive parents always called me self-righteous. They always had something negative to say about me. I guess they thought that they were helping but they weren't. They probably didn't know what to say to me. I'm a screwed up foster child they decided to take in and I was just over their heads. They didn't know what to do with me or for me, so they just left me do want I wanted and then scolded me for it. They were never proud of me. I wasn't like them. They judged me every day and it hurt. They said they wanted what was best for me, but I honestly don't know if they really knew what that even was. We don't talk now. I couldn't handle all of the negativity and their not accepting me for who I am. I'm weak and I need to grow. I need to wait for God's time if He is going to ever get us back together. I need to put this in God's hands. He knows what is best for me and He always gives me His best and what I need most.

But God...

Don't let your past and where you came from define you or your future. When we come into this world, we have no control over who are parents are, but we don't have to be like them if they were bad people. My bio dad was a sex offender and my bio mom was a fornicator who had little time for anyone but herself.

But God rescued me from such parents when I was 9 years old. I am so grateful to God. He put me in a new family who taught me a better way to live. They weren't perfect, but I am really grateful to them for opening their hearts to me in my time of need. They taught me the importance of keeping things clean. They taught me how to be someone better than my former parents. Like every human,  they made mistakes; but they were there for me. They did the best that they knew how to considering my situation. I can and will be grateful for that. I don't have to understand God's plan for our separtion now or how it will all turn out well in the end, but I do have to be grateful in and for all things, no matter how hard or ugly they are because I can't see the bigger picture. I don't have to. All I need to see is God. He is mine and He has been so gracious toward me. So undeserving, but God loves me and protects me.

I praise you, Lord for your goodness. Thanks for opening my eyes yet again to where I could be were it not for your grace. Thanks for the people in my life who have pointed me towards You. Thanks for your salvation and giving me a new, better life. I am ever growing, and am so imperfect, but one day I will be. One day I will be in my glorified body and in your full presence. You are so good, Lord. I praise you for Who you are!

Valiant's Birth Story

Valiant was born March 2014. His birth story is very different from his brother, Nehemiah's. He was born on a Saturday morning. All night Thursday I was awake with contractions that didn't stop until 5am and they were pretty consistent most of that night. Isaiah was working on 3rd shift at the time so I was texting him during the night and I was pretty certain that baby was on the way, but we were waiting it out. Around 5am the contractions stopped, and I fell asleep for a few hours before I had to get up to care for Nehemiah and get ready for a doctor check-up that was required for our insurance. We got up and went to the doctor assuming that all of those contractions were just false alarms. It was at the Family Doctor that I realized they really weren't. At the time when I was called back as I went to stand up, I felt this weird feeling like I had wet myself but I wasn't soaked or anything but my backside was definitely wet. The nurses saw that I was taking a bit to get to the them and asked if I was okay. I said "Yeah, I think my water just broke though, but I don't feel any contractions so let's keep going."

When we got out of the doctor's office, Isaiah called Dr. Abbott and I called my friend Angie who was going to be with me for my first At-Home birth. She came probably about an hour later. Dr. Abbott pretty much said to wait it out for a few hours and call him back if contractions haven't begun yet. I was super uncomfortable that day and really tired from no sleep but I couldn't take a nap either. Angie showed up and she played with Nehemiah while Isaiah and I went for a walk at the cemetery like we did with Nehemiah to kind of help the contractions along. I think we waited about 8 or 10 hours and then called Dr. Abbott again and by this time we realized that we weren't going to be able to do the At-Home birth like we had wanted because Valiant needed to be out in 24 hours time. So we thanked Angie for her help and sent her home and we dropped Nehemiah off at Gramma's to spend the night and then headed to the hospital which was 40 mins away.

Contraction wise, the drive was fine but emotionally and mentally I wasn't doing well. I was soooo scared about another hospital birth because of my horrible experience at Harrisburg Hospital. I didn't want a repeat at all. I prayed and cried most of the way down.

We got to the Hospital in Lititz, PA, filled out some papers and was put in to a room very quickly and it was a super comfy, quiet room that was sooo nice and cozy. It was like a hotel visit in some senses because the bathroom was nice and Isaiah had a nice chair-bed to sleep on and my bed was very nice with a lot of adjustments and things went sooo much smoother with Dr. Abbott overseeing everything and being the boss and making sure I was comfortable and left alone and left to walk around if I wanted to. It was so much better. The labor was slow. He gave me little bits of Pitocin just to "help" me a long but I did most of the work myself. Labor was several hours. I am trying to remember how long. I labored with Valiant about 10 hours. He was born at 6:20am Saturday Morning. We were treated to really nice meals and a very decked out dinner. We left the hospital that evening and were home as a family around 8pm. It was a much better birth experience than with Nehemiah and one I wouldn't have any problem with doing again. Having the right doctor really makes the difference.

Here is a Facebook post that I posted around the time of Valiant's birth.

"Happy to be home sitting in my own comfy couch. I am so thankful to God for watching over me in the hospital and that the experience was so much better than my first. I am so thankful for my Christian Doctor who was there the whole time and checked on me and even prayed with us. The nurse that the Lord gave me through the process was such a blessing as well and we had a good amount of laughs together. She was super supportive and helped me more than she will ever know. I very much enjoyed my day stay in the hospital, but was glad that we could leave whenever we wanted and that my doctor was in charge. The food was super yummie too and they even gave us a celebration supper right before we left last night at 7:30.

The 40 minute drive wasn't too fun and I was praying for safety the whole time. We were the third person in a row to pull over due to hitting a tire that was in the middle of the road. That gave me a bit of a scare, but Lord willing, our car is okay; we couldn't see very well in the dark.

The night was beautiful last night. The moon was shining full and bright and the sky was breathtaking.

So yeah, thanks for all of your prayers, God was with us the entire time and really blessed. We are very much enjoying our little Valiant and Nehemiah gave me a big smile when I showed him his present that we brought home for him. <3 "

Seeing God Through A Bridal Shower

I was so excited to be able to throw a shower for Vivi! It was so much fun and it turned out soooo great. It wasn't perfect as nothing in this sin-filled world is, but it went really well and I am so thankful to God for the energy to keep on going so that I could accomplish all that I was trying to do. I am so very grateful that I didn't get sick and that nothing kept me from being able to host it.

Near the end of all the planning and the day before the shower, I was getting really fearful that I would miss it; I had recently missed something so special that I really wanted to be apart of, but events that I will never understand kept me from it, and parts of me thought that God was punishing me or that He was mad at me for some reason and so I began to search myself and ask why He would allow such a thing to happen if I was walking close to Him like I should be and doing all of the right things and all of these worrisome thoughts just began to really attack my mind and make me feel terribly sick and anxious. I kept giving the thoughts to Him but they would still come and I needed assurance from Him that He wasn't angry with me and I still would like to know His reasoning for taking that special thing away from me, but I may never know the "why's". I was just begging Him to allow me to do the shower and not to take that from me. If you know me well or know much of my stories you have an idea of how much has been taken from me in the past that I had no control of at all, thus why these fears came and this is just something I have to overcome.

But I am so thankful to God for giving me the gift of hosting this shower, because He didn't have to and I don't deserve blessings, nor do I deserve to always get what I want. I am so very thankful that He saw fit to give me this, because it meant so much to me and after the shower, I just cried to Him, half in exhaustion and half in worship; I just wanted Him to know just how thankful I was for strength and for His working things out so smoothly, because a lot of bad things could have happened, but they didn't and He was present the whole time helping everything to run smoothly just as I had prayed He would be the morning before the shower began. I don't do well at all in front of crowds of people staring at me and He knows that. He knows I could have lost it or cried as I am prone to do in a stressful situation, but He put a watch on my body, emotions and actions to keep me doing the right thing the entire time and I am so thankful because it's not easy to make people happy and I worked so hard to do so on that day.

And another answer to prayer that is worth praising God for is that this will be my very first time being in someone's wedding party and I am super excited about how much I have been able to be a blessing to my friend, Vivi. It's really an answer to prayer to finally be good enough, special enough, worthy enough or friend enough to actually be in someone's wedding, because I have been praying to be able to be in a wedding for as long as I can remember and for some unknown reasons I was never asked until this year. And I am just so thankful to finally have that honor.

I try so hard to be a good friend, but obviously I have messed up a lot because I was never seen as good enough, and I just hope that Vivi understands just how much it means to me to be in her wedding. I love weddings and have always wanted to be apart of as many as I could be, but was never really allowed to be by those I thought I might actually have a chance with. But I just try to do whatever I can to help the people I care about, but not everyone I care about deeply cares the same for me and that's just how life is sometimes but that doesn't mean I stop caring or hate those who haven't been friendly to me; I am to keep on being friendly because it's not about me. It's about bringing God glory and honoring Him and it honors Him when I sacrifice for others and love them when they aren't lovely. He alone gives me the power to love people I have a hard time loving and to forgive people who have hurt me so deeply. He alone is worthy to be praised. He is the only one who can change me completely and I know He is changing me. I can't always see it, but there are times that I can.

Anyway, I know this got long but people don't have to read it and I've been told that I and this blog could never be a blessing to anyone or bring God glory, but I must believe that God has a purpose for me and my life, and that He can cause me to do the right things and bring Him glory. I must believe that He will use me to be an encouragement to someone out there; even if it's just one person. I don't care about numbers. If I can bless just one, then I have won. I'm not going to make everyone happy, and thankfully that is not my job. Not everyone is going to love me and some are going to hate me until I die, but I can't control that; I can only look to God and let him take care of my enemies and give me wisdom as to how to deal with those who seek to hurt me and discourage me. Like David, I must follow God and love my enemies, but that doesn't mean letting them continue to hurt me. He fled from those who tried to kill him. That is what I am doing now. I don't have to keep myself open to keep getting knives thrown at me. I can run and hide knowing that I am not being a coward, but acting in wisdom that only comes from God, who I know I have been serving and following and loving, not perfectly, but I have been and He has blessed me and He does love me unconditionally and that's really all that matters, if I have His favor than who else do I really need? Lord, you are all I need. Remind me of this daily. You're all I need!