I haven't written in a while and it's mostly because I am not sure where to go from here. I love to write, but there have been a lot of times lately that I feel that I am just no good at it. I want to continue my story or rather God's Story that He is writing for me. He is the true reason why I want to write it, but I struggle with fear. Yes, it's my Achilles's heel. I am fearful of a lot of things and so many times fear has been the very thing to keep me from doing what is right. It works all of the time and it's a constant battle that I really hate to fight because fitting it really hurts. I fear hurting other's feelings, I am a huge people pleaser. I feel losing people that I love the most. That's already happened and some I am still begging God to give back to me and I just can't understand why they were taken away. What did I do wrong to lose people that mean so much to me. I followed God. I question so many times if following God is worth it and lately I have been telling myself that He isn't and I know that is just awful. Perhaps people have become an idol to me; perhaps they have even become more important than God. I feel that I lose sooo much when I lose a person or friend, because when I make someone my friend I am committed and open right at the beginning and the friend means the world to me and when I lose a friend I lose a piece of my heart because that's exactly what my friends get - my heart. They get the real me. I don't easily trust people because of my past but there is something in me that causes me to keep giving people chance after chance, no matter how many times they hurt me because I know that I always need 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 70th 70 times 7 chances. People make mistakes and I make mistakes, so I am a very hopeful person. I always what to see the hope that things will get better and people will want me back into their lives again. Rejection is a hard thing for me. It's hard for me to just move on when a friend has let me go. Dropped me just like that. It hurts so much.

But then I think of God. He has never dropped me! He's always been there. He is so much more important than man and His friendship is an eternal one. He is someone I can always call up, yet for some reason I don't want Him. I've been begging him for a best friend who will love me for me and want to hang out with me and who will think of me first before I think of them. I feel like I am always the one that is texting, calling, reaching out to people, but I can't trust my feelings at all, for I am flaky and crazy and often my feelings make no sense at all. But God has always been there and He always will be. I've never lost someone because of death, but I have lost people who I thought like me and enjoyed my company and who have just dropped me for no reason at all. I will never understand it.

I'm sure I am rambling, but this is my blog so I am allowed to that; people don't have to read this unless they really want to so I should be free to say and express myself however I want. I want to write my story and I want to share it so bad, but because it's getting out into the Public and people can comment I have fear.

The Lord casts away all fears and gives me strength to fight my fears, but I hate going to battle with my sins. I'd just assume let my sin win. Or since God always wins just let Him deal with them. I need to write my story and just give it from the heart and pretend that no one is reading this blog I guess.

I love to sing and write, but I fear sharing myself. Goodness, it took me forever to be comfortable singing in front of my husband the man who loves me more than anyone. He's been there for me so much. He truly is my best friend, yet I keep asking God for a best friend who is my age, a girl, and lives close by. I have such a hard time being friends with girls because they hardly want me around after they see the real me. Life has been a struggle for me and things have been hard. A friend of mine said "I've had a lot of struggles in my life, I guess, I just need more purging of sin than most." Perhaps this is true for me as well.

I want so badly to be a good Christian, Wife, Mother, Friend. I want to be the best that I can be with all of my heart and the Theology tells me that in order to be that, I need Christ to be my focus and Christ to be the center of everything I do and I need to have a grand relationship with Him before I can expect to have a grand relationship with others.

I need a lot of prayer.