The Year 2019,
I'm kinda glad to see you go. You were hard. I grew a lot during your year, but I don't want to go back. God had been on my case about alot of my sin and He gave me a lot of victories. I was tested in a way I had never been before. The Devil thought he had me, but God.
You brought me alot of pain as well as so many beautiful, unforgettable moments. There were ashes and so much beauty and some ashes were even turned into beauty.
God sustained me during everything that was thrown my way. God helped me deal with the root of this anger that had been controlling me. He taught me how to let go of people and how it would set me so free. He taught me about grief and how I have been grieving for a long time - it was the root to so many struggles I had been having. He taught me about great loss, yet again.
2019, you have changed me so much. I walk into 2020 a new person that I don't really know yet. I walk in a little afraid of the new person I'll become. I want her to be holy. I want her to know real joy and I want her to keep loving and trusting her God with everything she has.
Like Peter said "To Whom else can we go? You have the words of eternal life!"
That verse has been in my mind every day that I wake up a little upset with God and His plan for me. But in my pain, I know that only He can comfort me. Only He can bring healing. So I find myself worshiping Him even more and bursting into Hymns and my own songs and lyrics as I just pour out my heart and hurt to Him and then comes a wave of comfort that I never knew I could experience. In those moments, I know I'm gonna be okay. I want the "new me" to be "okay" I don't really expect anything higher from her but if she can reach a place in 2020 where she feels okay again, I'll be really proud of her.
Most days, I wake up feeling pretty disappointed in her. I look her in the mirror and tell her that she's a horrible person - I point out all of the mistakes she's made the day before and tell her she's a mess and she's never gonna get through this and if she's not careful she's gonna lose all the good things she's still got; I look at her and say "You are not okay. You're probably never gonna be okay again." So if she wakes up feeling good about herself at some point in 2020, I'll feel proud of her and grateful to God because this is a work that only He can do and maybe He'll do it in 2020.
It's not just the soul of this girl that's hurting and broken. Her body has taken a beating, as well. She's put on so much weight. She's ugly on the outside, too. She can't seem to stop herself from eating her feelings. Some days she doesn't even care. So in 2020, if she'll take a hold of her health again and have victory over eating and start thinking about food properly again, I'll be proud of her. If she loses a little weight, I'll be proud of her. If God could help her with that I'd be grateful.
I have many hopes for the New 2020 Me. I have many prayers for her. If it were just up to her, I wouldn't even bother, but since she knows God and He is her loving Father, there is hope for her. She's not a lost cause and I'm going to step into 2020 hopeful and expecting My God to turn her ashes into beauty - to make what is ugly beautiful again - because with Him, nothing is impossible.
Goodbye, Old 2019 Me, make way for The New 2020 Me.
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