Why not go backwards? This blog is kind of a random one without any particular order anyway. Why not?! Lol.
So here's a post from Jan. 23, 2021, where I express my deepest fears during a pregnancy after three miscarriage's right after the other. Maybe you've been here; keep following for a blog post with a bit more hope.
This pregnancy has been so different. Every other pregnancy, I was so quick to share the news, so excited to post the baby app news, there were gender games and name games; they were all joyful, hopeful pregnancies.
But this one is not so. It's been so different. I've felt a sense of detachment - fear of attachment. I've been afraid to fall in love with this baby and fearful of calling it mine because of the knowledge that it could be taken from me at any minute. I hate this feeling. It's so difficult to fight. It's so hard to hope.
Yesterday, we heard baby #9's heartbeat for the very first time. It should have given me a sense of relief or a sense of hope. But I felt nothing. Yesterday and today, I've started to feel baby move. And again shouldn't that give me hope? Shouldn't these things calm my fears? But they don't. I'm still so afraid and I hate so much to admit it. I've always told myself that I wouldn't let fear control me or hold me back from what I wanted to do. I refused to let fear control me. But fear has had this hard grasp on me the past few months. My thoughts have been filled with everything but hope. Afraid to hope, I find myself accepting all the horrible things that could happen. I find myself mentally preparing for loss and pain again. When will it be time for hoping again? When will I be able to trust that everything will be fine again? When will I feel safe enough to be joyful and hopeful again?
"Let your faith be bigger than your fear." Is a plaque I have hanging in my bedroom. Yes, faith, but faith in what? Faith in God? Yeah, I have faith that God will do whatever He wants and I have very little control over what that will be. Faith, no I definitely have more fear over what God will do to me next. I'm afraid of Him. I'm hurt by His plans. I'm even angry about it at times. I feel like this fear I have is His fault. The fact that I can't find joy in this pregnancy is because of the pain He's caused me. I never asked to get pregnant those three times. Pregnancy is His gift; it's His miracle. And I just stopped asking Him for anything after those losses.
"This thing is it going to break you!" Is what my bedroom calendar says. I've felt broken for a long time now. What is that thing that is going to fix me? Mend me? Heal me? Because I am indeed broken.
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