Last Day of Therapy

Dec. 4, 2020

About 6 months ago, I made the decision to start therapy sessions and I'm so glad that I did. Therapy always gets such a bad rap, but sometimes it is necessary. And for me it really was.

It took me through some very deep valleys. It made me face demons I thought I had defeated long ago. It brought things up I never realized I had a problem with.

But what it has done more than anything is it's brought me closer to the God I know and love. I was angry at Him for a long time. I was ready to throw in the towel. I questioned everything I believed in. I questioned God's character, His love, my faith. It was a long, often dark, battle through some deep trenches, but today that particular battle has come to an end. Today, I stand at the end of it knowing and believing who my God is and not questioning His character. I standing feeling His love for me more than ever and ready to proclaim as I have done so many times before that My God is Good. His character does not change because of circumstances. His love for me does not lessen because I'm angry with Him. I stand in victory to say that my Faith in Him is real and unwavering.

Today was my last therapy session. I feel free in so many senses of the word. I have the tools I need to keep fighting battles I am sure I will face in the future. I have a renewed sense of who God is and who He created me to be. Freedom is the perfect word for it.

I want to encourage anyone who has been wondering if therapy is right for them or who has really been wanting to try it out. Maybe you've been on the fence about it for a long time. Take that next step. You are worth it. God just might have a victory to work in you through it.

I recommend this website as this has been the counseling ministry that God has used to bless and change me:http://www.c-ccm.org/

~ Lizzie

New Years

 January 1, 2021 

🥂 Been waiting for inspiration for my New Year's Gushy Post and it came today. Nothing huge or profound, but a great reminder. 🥂

The little things...I feel like we take those for granted. 

If y'all haven't seen Disney's Soul movie, watch it. It's got me thinking about priorities and perspective. 🤯

 As an artist, it's easy to get disenchanted with everyday life. It's easy to feel like some things are just a waste when I could be drawing, singing, writing songs, painting etc... ️️

But you know, every-day life is so beautiful. And I think sometimes we miss it until it's not there anymore. You know?

As we walk into this new year, I hope we can all really embrace the beauty of LIFE. It's so precious; and it's so short.

When I pick up that thousandth dish that I have to wash, I need to look at it as an opportunity to live. When I change that oh-so-stinky diaper, I need to remember that the number of diapers I change are just going to be going down, not up, because before I know it my babies will be teenagers! The unpleasant things are just as much a part of life as the pleasant ones. And there is beauty in those things because it means that I'm still living. I'm still apart of this gift called life.

Anyway, I'm just grateful for life today, guys.  LIFE is a gift. 

~ Lizzie

Deep Dark Hole of Grief

 January 16, 2021

It's like you've been dropped in a deep, dark hole. Nothingness surrounds you. You see the light at the top, but you feel too heavy to stand to your feet, let alone try to get out.

After a while, you get comfortable there. You start to feel like you are in a safe place. The nothingness begins to comfort you. Now the numb feels nice. It feels weightless. It feels like a place you can escape to.

Before you know it, it swallows you up. Now you feel nothing. You don't care if you never leave the hole. You're not sure if anything could actually entice you to leave it. You doubt anyone even notices that you are down there. You see them pass by, their shadows cast over you from time to time, but no one looks down. They are all so busy trying to avoid the hole that they never look down to see if anyone is there. Of course, if they did look down, would you even notice. If they dropped down a rope or ladder would see it? Would you feel it? Would you even want to acknowledge it?

No, for a ladder or rope would not pull you out of the dark. You need light. You need to feel again. You need a warm embrace. Someone who not only lets down the ladder, but who is also brave enough to climb down into the dark and sit with you. One who is willing to sit with you silently. Willing to sit with you in the nothingness until you are ready to leave the dark and walk into the light again. One who can tell you that the light is beautiful and you are allowed to enjoy it once again. No, it won't ever be the same, it will be a new normal, but it will also be worth it. One who can take your hand, lending you a little of their strength to help you stand again, and then willing to follow you behind the ladder lest you fall. And even if you decide you aren't ready yet, he's willing to let you back down the ladder and into the darkness again, and again he sits by your side waiting and speaking words of encouragement, not judgement, for he understands. He knows what it is to grieve and he knows that you can't rush it. But he also knows that one day you'll be ready to walk into the light again, so he waits with you. He watches your journey with pride over every little step you take closer to that light.

~ Lizzie

Baby #9 Fears

 Why not go backwards? This blog is kind of a random one without any particular order anyway. Why not?! Lol. 

So here's a post from Jan. 23, 2021, where I express my deepest fears during a pregnancy after three miscarriage's right after the other. Maybe you've been here; keep following for a blog post with a bit more hope.  

This pregnancy has been so different. Every other pregnancy, I was so quick to share the news, so excited to post the baby app news, there were gender games and name games; they were all joyful, hopeful pregnancies.

But this one is not so. It's been so different. I've felt a sense of detachment - fear of attachment. I've been afraid to fall in love with this baby and fearful of calling it mine because of the knowledge that it could be taken from me at any minute. I hate this feeling. It's so difficult to fight. It's so hard to hope.

Yesterday, we heard baby #9's heartbeat for the very first time. It should have given me a sense of relief or a sense of hope. But I felt nothing. Yesterday and today, I've started to feel baby move. And again shouldn't that give me hope? Shouldn't these things calm my fears? But they don't. I'm still so afraid and I hate so much to admit it. I've always told myself that I wouldn't let fear control me or hold me back from what I wanted to do. I refused to let fear control me. But fear has had this hard grasp on me the past few months. My thoughts have been filled with everything but hope. Afraid to hope, I find myself accepting all the horrible things that could happen. I find myself mentally preparing for loss and pain again. When will it be time for hoping again? When will I be able to trust that everything will be fine again? When will I feel safe enough to be joyful and hopeful again?

"Let your faith be bigger than your fear." Is a plaque I have hanging in my bedroom. Yes, faith, but faith in what? Faith in God? Yeah, I have faith that God will do whatever He wants and I have very little control over what that will be. Faith, no I definitely have more fear over what God will do to me next. I'm afraid of Him. I'm hurt by His plans. I'm even angry about it at times. I feel like this fear I have is His fault. The fact that I can't find joy in this pregnancy is because of the pain He's caused me. I never asked to get pregnant those three times. Pregnancy is His gift; it's His miracle. And I just stopped asking Him for anything after those losses.

"This thing is it going to break you!" Is what my bedroom calendar says. I've felt broken for a long time now. What is that thing that is going to fix me? Mend me? Heal me? Because I am indeed broken.

~ Lizzie

So, look, it's been another year, maybe it's time to update this blog. Lol. I've many post I could share. 

My main platform has always been Facebook since I got it in 2009; it's where I reach most of my friends, but I still like to keep the things I write in one place. This blog has most of them, so I'm going to still endeavor to keep the story going here. I haven't a clue if I'm reaching a single person through this blog, but a friend of mine said this quote this past Sunday. "We have an audience of One." This blog reaches the eyes of God and it fulfils the deep need to write for me. That's got to be enough for me. I'm not going to reach the world. I might only reach one and that one might just be myself. So be it. God has written and continues to right a beautiful story with my life. A common theme for my life and it's story is Beauty from Ashes. God has taken the really messy, sad moments of my life and turned them into something beautiful for His glory and I am happy to report what He's done in and through me. 

Feb. 26, 2021

Change, it's overwhelming. There have been a lot of recent changes in my day to day. 

One big change being diet. Isaiah switched to a gluten and dairy free diet a few months ago which was and continues to be a hurdle; and, Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2021, I was informed after getting some routine pregnancy blood test that my platelets are low - which means I will be switching to a gluten free diet. I love gluten and I would not consider myself one who has huge self-control when it comes to foods I love.  

This pregnancy hasn't been easy at all. To be honest, it's been my most miserable one yet. Pregnancy after losses is hard. There's the constant paralyzing fear that I've got to overcome daily. There's the need to stay hopeful no matter what. There's the "normal" pregnancy changes, annoyances, inconveniences and pain. Top all of that off with my progesterone levels being low and having to rely on a cream to keep it up; now add in a gluten free diet and you have a recipe for a lot of changes in a very short time leading to a very overwhelmed Mama.

But in all of this, I keep hearing one whisper from God,

"Hope; keep your hope."

Guys, I can remember one other time in my life when it was soooo hard to keep my hope. That was miserable and I'd like to think I've learned a bit since then.

Hope, it's this little four letter word with sooo much power. The opposite of "hope" is "hopeless" - depression, if you will. Hope isn't some magic word. Hope comes from Someone powerful. And there is only One Thing worth hoping in and with the power to keep you from feeling utterly hopeless - God.

My hope comes from God. I cannot manufacture it myself. I can and have tried to find hope in other things and they only keep my spirits high temporarily. But when my hope is fully in God, His promises and the truths I know about Him, my hope lasts. This is not to say I won't have days that are fully depressing and where I can hardly get myself out of bed in the morning. It's not going to fix all of my problems, but it will keep me out of that dark place I call Utter Hopelessness. A place I have been to many times and fight daily not to go back to again.

God's been teaching me what it is to lament and that it is very different from crying, which I've done alot of. I'm still a baby in my understanding of it, so maybe that will be a post some day in the future, but one thing I've learned is lamenting is not being in utter hopelessness. Lamenting is actually a really beautiful thing that can bring God much glory and be good for my spiritual soul. Lamenting will bring me closer to God; hopelessness will draw me away from Him.

I write all of this to do a little venting, and also to spread a little seed of hope to those of us who need it most. My most recent chant to myself is "Hope! Hope in God." And you too can find a lasting, comforting Hope in God as you walk through life's, often daily, uncertainties.   

~ Lizzie    

How To Win Battles (June 7, 2018)

I have been reading 2 Chronicles and I have found the strategy to winning battles:

Crying out to God.

When I forget to cry out to God for help, I always lose.

There are times I feel alone, but that's a lie from the enemy cuz the truth is

I am NEVER alone!!! Feelings lie!!!

I can make excuses about my past
or

I can cry out to God

and be better than my past. I can sit in self-pity and cry about the childhood I had or I can raise myself up and

cry out to God

and give my children a better one. I can focus on the enemy and those who are hurtful and negative or

I can cry out to God

and give those people grace crying "They meant it for bad, BUT GOD meant it for good!" I have been given the victory to love and forgive. I just have to reach out and take it! I just need to be humble enough to cry!

To Cry Out to God!!! 

It's a Battle!! (June 7, 2018)

See it all as a battle!
A battle that you can win!!!

I've got the Mountains of Laundry coming at me from the Hallway.

I've got the pile of dishes laughing at me from the Kitchen.

I've got the boys fighting in the Living Room.

I've got project after project needing to be done.

There are so many things that are broken needing to be fixed.

I've got utter chaos all around me. A battle at every corner. It's overwhelming!!!

But I'm not alone!!! I've got the Mightiest Being of Valor standing in front of me; His sword is drawn; He fights for me. I cry out to Him. He goes before me. I follow behind. He tells me when to stop. He tells me when to go. His words of wisdom give me strength to keep on going. He shields me and protects me. When I think I can handle it, He let's me go in front. When I get wounded by my merciless enemy, He knows when to pull me back and carry me on His shoulders until I have the strength to stand again.

He uses the battles to change me. There will always be dishes, and laundry and housework. And they get boring and mundane, but the work of the Holy Spirit within me, now thats exciting and there's always something new to learn!!!! There is always a reason to glorify Him.