I
was so excited to be able to throw a shower for Vivi! It was so much
fun and it turned out soooo great. It wasn't perfect as nothing in
this sin-filled world is, but it went really well and I am so
thankful to God for the energy to keep on going so that I could
accomplish all that I was trying to do. I am so very grateful that I
didn't get sick and that nothing kept me from being able to host it.
Near
the end of all the planning and the day before the shower, I was
getting really fearful that I would miss it; I had recently missed
something so special that I really wanted to be apart of, but events
that I will never understand kept me from it, and parts of me thought
that God was punishing me or that He was mad at me for some reason
and so I began to search myself and ask why He would allow such a
thing to happen if I was walking close to Him like I should be and
doing all of the right things and all of these worrisome thoughts
just began to really attack my mind and make me feel terribly sick
and anxious. I kept giving the thoughts to Him but they would still
come and I needed assurance from Him that He wasn't angry with me and
I still would like to know His reasoning for taking that special
thing away from me, but I may never know the "why's". I was
just begging Him to allow me to do the shower and not to take that
from me. If you know me well or know much of my stories you have an
idea of how much has been taken from me in the past that I had no
control of at all, thus why these fears came and this is just
something I have to overcome.
But
I am so thankful to God for giving me the gift of hosting this
shower, because He didn't have to and I don't deserve blessings, nor
do I deserve to always get what I want. I am so very thankful that He
saw fit to give me this, because it meant so much to me and after the
shower, I just cried to Him, half in exhaustion and half in worship;
I just wanted Him to know just how thankful I was for strength and
for His working things out so smoothly, because a lot of bad things
could have happened, but they didn't and He was present the whole
time helping everything to run smoothly just as I had prayed He would
be the morning before the shower began. I don't do well at all in
front of crowds of people staring at me and He knows that. He knows I
could have lost it or cried as I am prone to do in a stressful
situation, but He put a watch on my body, emotions and actions to
keep me doing the right thing the entire time and I am so thankful
because it's not easy to make people happy and I worked so hard to do
so on that day.
And
another answer to prayer that is worth praising God for is that this
will be my very first time being in someone's wedding party and I am
super excited about how much I have been able to be a blessing to my
friend, Vivi. It's really an answer to prayer to finally be good
enough, special enough, worthy enough or friend enough to actually be
in someone's wedding, because I have been praying to be able to be in
a wedding for as long as I can remember and for some unknown reasons
I was never asked until this year. And I am just so thankful to
finally have that honor.
I
try so hard to be a good friend, but obviously I have messed up a lot
because I was never seen as good enough, and I just hope that Vivi
understands just how much it means to me to be in her wedding. I love
weddings and have always wanted to be apart of as many as I could be,
but was never really allowed to be by those I thought I might
actually have a chance with. But I just try to do whatever I can to
help the people I care about, but not everyone I care about deeply
cares the same for me and that's just how life is sometimes but that
doesn't mean I stop caring or hate those who haven't been friendly to
me; I am to keep on being friendly because it's not about me. It's
about bringing God glory and honoring Him and it honors Him when I
sacrifice for others and love them when they aren't lovely. He alone
gives me the power to love people I have a hard time loving and to
forgive people who have hurt me so deeply. He alone is worthy to be
praised. He is the only one who can change me completely and I know
He is changing me. I can't always see it, but there are times that I
can.
Anyway,
I know this got long but people don't have to read it and I've been
told that I and this blog could never be a blessing to anyone or
bring God glory, but I must believe that God has a purpose for me and
my life, and that He can cause me to do the right things and bring
Him glory. I must believe that He will use me to be an encouragement
to someone out there; even if it's just one person. I don't care
about numbers. If I can bless just one, then I have won. I'm not
going to make everyone happy, and thankfully that is not my job. Not
everyone is going to love me and some are going to hate me until I
die, but I can't control that; I can only look to God and let him
take care of my enemies and give me wisdom as to how to deal with
those who seek to hurt me and discourage me. Like David, I must
follow God and love my enemies, but that doesn't mean letting them
continue to hurt me. He fled from those who tried to kill him. That
is what I am doing now. I don't have to keep myself open to keep
getting knives thrown at me. I can run and hide knowing that I am not
being a coward, but acting in wisdom that only comes from God, who I
know I have been serving and following and loving, not perfectly, but
I have been and He has blessed me and He does love me unconditionally
and that's really all that matters, if I have His favor than who else
do I really need? Lord, you are all I need. Remind me of this daily.
You're all I need!
