The Beast Within

The Beast Within

By: Elizabeth Claytor June 30, 2020

There's a beast inside of me.
And it wants to be set free.
It's angry, very angry.
It's lost control of me.
You see, I've chained it up;
Lost it's sway; now it's fed up.
I've put it under subjection.
And this beast hates rejection.

It loathes this new transition.
But, this girl, she's on a mission!!!


This beast inside of me,
It wants to be set free!!
It says, "Let me out!"
"I'll make it all better!"
I can hear it shout.
But I know,
If I let it go,
That will not be so.
It only makes things worse.
It is my mortal curse.

"Beast, you're staying inside of me.
No, you can NOT be set free."



Maybe if I keep saying "No!"
It will give up and go.
If I starve this mean streak,
Maybe it will get weak.
If I dehydrate this guy,
Maybe it will even die.

Beast, you've cause me much pain.
No longer will you reign!!!
 


This beast inside of me,
It wants to be set free.
But this I know!!!
I can't let it go!!!


Because I can't let it out!!!
I'll ignore it's every shout!!
My will just has to be stronger.
I can do this a little bit longer.
Because I know what it will do
It will destroy everything I hold true.
It will kill everything I love.
It won't care;
It'll just push and shove.

"Beast, you're staying inside of me.
No, you can't be set free."



This beast inside of me,
It wants to be set free.
But I don't care!!!
It's staying there!!! 
This beast inside of me,
I will not set it free!!!
I won't let it destroy everything I hold true.
I won't let it kill everything I love.

~ Lizzie

Beauty From Ashes

Beauty from Ashes

By: Elizabeth Claytor July 14, 2020

(Late night poem inspiration, inspired by a shirt I saw on a Facebook AD...)

There she lay in her ashes.
Tears falling down from her lashes.

Broken, beaten, and worn.
Regretting the day she was born.

She's loved but she doesn't know it.
Too many didn't know how to show it.

"This all must be my fault."
"Their love can be bought."

"If only I can be good enough."
"If only I was made of better stuff."

Jesus sees her; hears her every cry.
He doesn't keep on passing by.

His daughter He has found.
Lifts her face up from the ground.

Peers into her tear-stricken eyes.
Washes her mind of all the lies.

Whispers, "You are mine."
"With Me, you'll be just fine."

"You are enough."
"You are loved."
"You are wanted."
"I made you fearfully, wonderfully."

"But..."

He brushes off
The tears from her cheek.

"No. Listen to Me."
"You are enough."
"You are loved."
"You are wanted."
"I made you fearfully, wonderfully."

"Believe My words,
Let go of all the lies!!"

"You are ENOUGH!"
"You are LOVED!"
"You are WANTED!"
"I made you FEARFULLY, WONDERFULLY!"

"You are My beauty from the ashes.
Now dry those beautiful lashes!"

"Stand up from that ground!
Remember, you have been found!"

"Say it loud!!
Say it proud!!"

"I am God's daughter!!"

"I was lost but now I'm found!!
He picked me up from my low ground!!"

"I am found; I am found; I am found!!!"

"I AM ENOUGH!"
"I AM LOVED!"
"I AM WANTED!"
"HE MADE ME FEARFULLY, WONDERFULLY!"

~ Lizzie

Sarah, It's Who You Are

Sarah, you are created in the image of God.
Yes, I know that might sound odd.

When you've spent so long not knowing your worth,
It may take some time for these truths to be unearthed.

Sarah, there are some things I need you to know.
So that we can both begin to heal and grow.

Sarah, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Through you, God's glory is being displayed.

Sarah, you are loved; you are precious.
It doesn't take much for you to impress us.

Sarah, you are so strong and brave.
I see you struggling to know how to behave.   

You feel like you don't belong.
You are so afraid to do wrong.

So afraid of rejection that you hide your shine,
Your love of beauty and all things fine.

Sarah, you are kind, loving, helpful, gentle, sweet,
Passionate, independent, flexible, organized, and neat.

Positive, funny, joyful, creative, energetic,
Curious, thoughtful, observant, loyal and empathetic.

Sarah, I know you are thinking that I must be blind,
But when I think of you, all of these come to mind.

I hope someday you'll see through the pain.
And once again be able to dance in the rain.

If you can look past all the sin that surrounded you,
You'd see all you are really did and does have value.

I want you to believe that you are enough
And let go of all that negative stuff.

I want you to sing and let us all listen
To the beautiful melodies we've been miss'in.

Bring that joy back into your step;
Smile, don't hide it, let us see your pep. 

You are a nurturer, musician, and artist,
Don't be silent or hold back, I insist.

The time to adapt and change are gone.
Now you are free to break through the dawn.

Sarah, you were once told you were bad and must be rejected,
Don't listen to those voices because by God you've been elected! 

A miracle, God wanted you to be born.
He made you His own to adorn. 

He gave you a heart full of compassion, a lover of life and Earth,
He chose you and loved you long before your birth. 

I hope someday you will finally see,
The beauty you have to offer and just be.




God created you
Fearfully, wonderfully.
You're beautiful!
And I know you
Haven't heard that lately.
But it's true.
That is you. 
The world tried to beat you down.
And so have I.
But as I cry
I realize, I need you.
You are a part of me.
This I now see.
And you're beautiful. 

It's time I set you free.
It's time I broke your chains.
It's okay to be you.
It's okay to come out and play. 
Every pain that you've endured
Have been seen by your Lord. 

~ Lizzie Aug. 6, 2020

Heart-broken in Three

Oh my darlings in heaven,
Numbers eight, six and seven,

Do you know that you are
So beloved?
Do you know that you are
Dreamed of?

Do you know how many times
I cry?
Do you know how many days
Go by?

Do you know how many hours
I miss?
Do you know how many moments
Of bliss?

Do you know how often I feel
Your absence?
Do you know how often I wish for
Your presence?

Do you know that I think of how old
You'd be?
Do you know that I think of how soon
You'd see?

Do you know that I tell myself
There's eight?
Do you know that five plus three
Equals eight?

"You can still try for number six."
They utter.
"Six?! I'd be adding NINE to the mix!"
I shudder.

I drown in my tears over the loss
Of you.
My heart has broken in three,
Not two.

I've been changed by grief forever
I know.
This painful, aching feeling will
Not go.

I'm growing as I keep on going
Without you.

I'm letting go what doesn't matter;

I'm through.

All of this has made me stronger
In life.
I'm moving forward; I've cut out
All strife. 

~ Lizzie Aug. 23, 2020

You Are So Real To Me

Tiny fingers, tiny toes,
And nobody knows.
God is forming you,
Love is shaping you.
You are bringing Him glory.
It's all part of your story.
You are so real to Him.

Tiny fingers, tiny toes,
And only God knows.
You're God's tiny secret.
His plan is already set.
How will you bring Him glory?
What will be your story? 
You are so real to Him.

Tiny fingers, tiny toes
Now your Mommy knows.
I'm a little nervous, even scared.
Wondering if I'm prepared. 
You are so real to me.
I dream of what you'll be.
You are so real to me.

Tiny fingers, tiny toes.
You're really there; I know.
All the signs are beginning to show.
I'm planning where you'll sleep.
I'm hoping you're mine to keep.
I'm planning what I'll do;
Baby bump photos, too.
What will your announcement be?
You are so real to me!

Tiny fingers, tiny toes,
I can't wait to share the news!!
Will I use purples or blues?
Will you be a girl or boy?
I wanna buy you a new toy!
Yes, you're really there;
And I can't wait to share.
You are so real to me!

Tiny fingers, tiny toes
I'm starting to count down the days.
Baby names on my radar always.
You're all I can think about.
How do I keep this from getting out?
You are so real, you are so real to me.

These tiny fingers, these tiny toes,
Nobody sees them; nobody knows.
God's plan was not my own.
He turned my heart to stone.
I saw your tiny fingers and tiny toes.
I knew you were gone and I just froze.
In disbelief I stared,
Definitely not prepared.
For all the grief this would bring.
For just how much this would sting.
How could this bring Him glory?
Why did He choose this story?

No more tiny fingers or tiny toes.
But still, nobody knows.
All that's left is grief.
And it brings no relief.
That's how you brought Him glory.
But it's not the end of your story.

I still see those
Tiny fingers and tiny toes
At night when my eyes close.
God used your story to bless mine.
Even a year later, you still shine.
My Faith was tested and I know it's real.
My Grief remains, but my Joy it couldn't steal.
I'm a part of your story. 
I saw you bring God glory.
You are still real, you are still real to me.

~ Lizzie Oct. 13, 2020

Last Day of Therapy

Dec. 4, 2020

About 6 months ago, I made the decision to start therapy sessions and I'm so glad that I did. Therapy always gets such a bad rap, but sometimes it is necessary. And for me it really was.

It took me through some very deep valleys. It made me face demons I thought I had defeated long ago. It brought things up I never realized I had a problem with.

But what it has done more than anything is it's brought me closer to the God I know and love. I was angry at Him for a long time. I was ready to throw in the towel. I questioned everything I believed in. I questioned God's character, His love, my faith. It was a long, often dark, battle through some deep trenches, but today that particular battle has come to an end. Today, I stand at the end of it knowing and believing who my God is and not questioning His character. I standing feeling His love for me more than ever and ready to proclaim as I have done so many times before that My God is Good. His character does not change because of circumstances. His love for me does not lessen because I'm angry with Him. I stand in victory to say that my Faith in Him is real and unwavering.

Today was my last therapy session. I feel free in so many senses of the word. I have the tools I need to keep fighting battles I am sure I will face in the future. I have a renewed sense of who God is and who He created me to be. Freedom is the perfect word for it.

I want to encourage anyone who has been wondering if therapy is right for them or who has really been wanting to try it out. Maybe you've been on the fence about it for a long time. Take that next step. You are worth it. God just might have a victory to work in you through it.

I recommend this website as this has been the counseling ministry that God has used to bless and change me:http://www.c-ccm.org/

~ Lizzie

New Years

 January 1, 2021 

🥂 Been waiting for inspiration for my New Year's Gushy Post and it came today. Nothing huge or profound, but a great reminder. 🥂

The little things...I feel like we take those for granted. 

If y'all haven't seen Disney's Soul movie, watch it. It's got me thinking about priorities and perspective. 🤯

 As an artist, it's easy to get disenchanted with everyday life. It's easy to feel like some things are just a waste when I could be drawing, singing, writing songs, painting etc... ️️

But you know, every-day life is so beautiful. And I think sometimes we miss it until it's not there anymore. You know?

As we walk into this new year, I hope we can all really embrace the beauty of LIFE. It's so precious; and it's so short.

When I pick up that thousandth dish that I have to wash, I need to look at it as an opportunity to live. When I change that oh-so-stinky diaper, I need to remember that the number of diapers I change are just going to be going down, not up, because before I know it my babies will be teenagers! The unpleasant things are just as much a part of life as the pleasant ones. And there is beauty in those things because it means that I'm still living. I'm still apart of this gift called life.

Anyway, I'm just grateful for life today, guys.  LIFE is a gift. 

~ Lizzie

Deep Dark Hole of Grief

 January 16, 2021

It's like you've been dropped in a deep, dark hole. Nothingness surrounds you. You see the light at the top, but you feel too heavy to stand to your feet, let alone try to get out.

After a while, you get comfortable there. You start to feel like you are in a safe place. The nothingness begins to comfort you. Now the numb feels nice. It feels weightless. It feels like a place you can escape to.

Before you know it, it swallows you up. Now you feel nothing. You don't care if you never leave the hole. You're not sure if anything could actually entice you to leave it. You doubt anyone even notices that you are down there. You see them pass by, their shadows cast over you from time to time, but no one looks down. They are all so busy trying to avoid the hole that they never look down to see if anyone is there. Of course, if they did look down, would you even notice. If they dropped down a rope or ladder would see it? Would you feel it? Would you even want to acknowledge it?

No, for a ladder or rope would not pull you out of the dark. You need light. You need to feel again. You need a warm embrace. Someone who not only lets down the ladder, but who is also brave enough to climb down into the dark and sit with you. One who is willing to sit with you silently. Willing to sit with you in the nothingness until you are ready to leave the dark and walk into the light again. One who can tell you that the light is beautiful and you are allowed to enjoy it once again. No, it won't ever be the same, it will be a new normal, but it will also be worth it. One who can take your hand, lending you a little of their strength to help you stand again, and then willing to follow you behind the ladder lest you fall. And even if you decide you aren't ready yet, he's willing to let you back down the ladder and into the darkness again, and again he sits by your side waiting and speaking words of encouragement, not judgement, for he understands. He knows what it is to grieve and he knows that you can't rush it. But he also knows that one day you'll be ready to walk into the light again, so he waits with you. He watches your journey with pride over every little step you take closer to that light.

~ Lizzie

Baby #9 Fears

 Why not go backwards? This blog is kind of a random one without any particular order anyway. Why not?! Lol. 

So here's a post from Jan. 23, 2021, where I express my deepest fears during a pregnancy after three miscarriage's right after the other. Maybe you've been here; keep following for a blog post with a bit more hope.  

This pregnancy has been so different. Every other pregnancy, I was so quick to share the news, so excited to post the baby app news, there were gender games and name games; they were all joyful, hopeful pregnancies.

But this one is not so. It's been so different. I've felt a sense of detachment - fear of attachment. I've been afraid to fall in love with this baby and fearful of calling it mine because of the knowledge that it could be taken from me at any minute. I hate this feeling. It's so difficult to fight. It's so hard to hope.

Yesterday, we heard baby #9's heartbeat for the very first time. It should have given me a sense of relief or a sense of hope. But I felt nothing. Yesterday and today, I've started to feel baby move. And again shouldn't that give me hope? Shouldn't these things calm my fears? But they don't. I'm still so afraid and I hate so much to admit it. I've always told myself that I wouldn't let fear control me or hold me back from what I wanted to do. I refused to let fear control me. But fear has had this hard grasp on me the past few months. My thoughts have been filled with everything but hope. Afraid to hope, I find myself accepting all the horrible things that could happen. I find myself mentally preparing for loss and pain again. When will it be time for hoping again? When will I be able to trust that everything will be fine again? When will I feel safe enough to be joyful and hopeful again?

"Let your faith be bigger than your fear." Is a plaque I have hanging in my bedroom. Yes, faith, but faith in what? Faith in God? Yeah, I have faith that God will do whatever He wants and I have very little control over what that will be. Faith, no I definitely have more fear over what God will do to me next. I'm afraid of Him. I'm hurt by His plans. I'm even angry about it at times. I feel like this fear I have is His fault. The fact that I can't find joy in this pregnancy is because of the pain He's caused me. I never asked to get pregnant those three times. Pregnancy is His gift; it's His miracle. And I just stopped asking Him for anything after those losses.

"This thing is it going to break you!" Is what my bedroom calendar says. I've felt broken for a long time now. What is that thing that is going to fix me? Mend me? Heal me? Because I am indeed broken.

~ Lizzie

So, look, it's been another year, maybe it's time to update this blog. Lol. I've many post I could share. 

My main platform has always been Facebook since I got it in 2009; it's where I reach most of my friends, but I still like to keep the things I write in one place. This blog has most of them, so I'm going to still endeavor to keep the story going here. I haven't a clue if I'm reaching a single person through this blog, but a friend of mine said this quote this past Sunday. "We have an audience of One." This blog reaches the eyes of God and it fulfils the deep need to write for me. That's got to be enough for me. I'm not going to reach the world. I might only reach one and that one might just be myself. So be it. God has written and continues to right a beautiful story with my life. A common theme for my life and it's story is Beauty from Ashes. God has taken the really messy, sad moments of my life and turned them into something beautiful for His glory and I am happy to report what He's done in and through me. 

Feb. 26, 2021

Change, it's overwhelming. There have been a lot of recent changes in my day to day. 

One big change being diet. Isaiah switched to a gluten and dairy free diet a few months ago which was and continues to be a hurdle; and, Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2021, I was informed after getting some routine pregnancy blood test that my platelets are low - which means I will be switching to a gluten free diet. I love gluten and I would not consider myself one who has huge self-control when it comes to foods I love.  

This pregnancy hasn't been easy at all. To be honest, it's been my most miserable one yet. Pregnancy after losses is hard. There's the constant paralyzing fear that I've got to overcome daily. There's the need to stay hopeful no matter what. There's the "normal" pregnancy changes, annoyances, inconveniences and pain. Top all of that off with my progesterone levels being low and having to rely on a cream to keep it up; now add in a gluten free diet and you have a recipe for a lot of changes in a very short time leading to a very overwhelmed Mama.

But in all of this, I keep hearing one whisper from God,

"Hope; keep your hope."

Guys, I can remember one other time in my life when it was soooo hard to keep my hope. That was miserable and I'd like to think I've learned a bit since then.

Hope, it's this little four letter word with sooo much power. The opposite of "hope" is "hopeless" - depression, if you will. Hope isn't some magic word. Hope comes from Someone powerful. And there is only One Thing worth hoping in and with the power to keep you from feeling utterly hopeless - God.

My hope comes from God. I cannot manufacture it myself. I can and have tried to find hope in other things and they only keep my spirits high temporarily. But when my hope is fully in God, His promises and the truths I know about Him, my hope lasts. This is not to say I won't have days that are fully depressing and where I can hardly get myself out of bed in the morning. It's not going to fix all of my problems, but it will keep me out of that dark place I call Utter Hopelessness. A place I have been to many times and fight daily not to go back to again.

God's been teaching me what it is to lament and that it is very different from crying, which I've done alot of. I'm still a baby in my understanding of it, so maybe that will be a post some day in the future, but one thing I've learned is lamenting is not being in utter hopelessness. Lamenting is actually a really beautiful thing that can bring God much glory and be good for my spiritual soul. Lamenting will bring me closer to God; hopelessness will draw me away from Him.

I write all of this to do a little venting, and also to spread a little seed of hope to those of us who need it most. My most recent chant to myself is "Hope! Hope in God." And you too can find a lasting, comforting Hope in God as you walk through life's, often daily, uncertainties.   

~ Lizzie