Trusting... It's so hard!

No matter what you do, no matter how kind you try to be, as soon as you make a mistake, that's what you become known for. 

Trust... it's so hard to get back once you've lost it. It's a fact. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. One may forgive you without ever trusting you again. It's called self-preservation. People who have been hurt in very huge ways by people their whole life are going to have a hard time trusting. This is another fact. People like this find it hard to trust in the first place and once you lose their trust, more than likely you have lost it forever. Be careful, if you care about those you love, be careful how you treat them; be careful what you say to them and be careful with the words, "I was just kidding." "Can't you take a joke?" #lifelessons 

I've been through a lot of hurt in my life. I could write a book and one day I really hope to. I need to get my feelings on paper. It's my way of finding justice I guess. I want my voice to be heard. It's not about hurting the people who have hurt me. It's about my story. It's about me finding a purpose for everything that has happened to me. I know there are people out there who have been through similar things and they are afraid to speak up. They are afraid to be vulnerable. Afraid of the comments that they may get if they tell about their story to the public. I guess that is why writers write things in story form with fiction characters. They can share a true story without incriminating anyone and then when people read it they wonder if it's a true story rather than Google the person and realize this was indeed a true story and think horribly about either the writer or those the writer is talking about.  

I hate being judged. I hate when people don't love me, but the fact is, some people just don't love me. Some people flat out hate me and consider me their enemy because I have hurt these people. I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be. Growing up, my adoptive parents always called me self-righteous. They always had something negative to say about me. I guess they thought that they were helping but they weren't. They probably didn't know what to say to me. I'm a screwed up foster child they decided to take in and I was just over their heads. They didn't know what to do with me or for me, so they just left me do want I wanted and then scolded me for it. They were never proud of me. I wasn't like them. They judged me every day and it hurt. They said they wanted what was best for me, but I honestly don't know if they really knew what that even was. We don't talk now. I couldn't handle all of the negativity and their not accepting me for who I am. I'm weak and I need to grow. I need to wait for God's time if He is going to ever get us back together. I need to put this in God's hands. He knows what is best for me and He always gives me His best and what I need most.

But God...

Don't let your past and where you came from define you or your future. When we come into this world, we have no control over who are parents are, but we don't have to be like them if they were bad people. My bio dad was a sex offender and my bio mom was a fornicator who had little time for anyone but herself.

But God rescued me from such parents when I was 9 years old. I am so grateful to God. He put me in a new family who taught me a better way to live. They weren't perfect, but I am really grateful to them for opening their hearts to me in my time of need. They taught me the importance of keeping things clean. They taught me how to be someone better than my former parents. Like every human,  they made mistakes; but they were there for me. They did the best that they knew how to considering my situation. I can and will be grateful for that. I don't have to understand God's plan for our separtion now or how it will all turn out well in the end, but I do have to be grateful in and for all things, no matter how hard or ugly they are because I can't see the bigger picture. I don't have to. All I need to see is God. He is mine and He has been so gracious toward me. So undeserving, but God loves me and protects me.

I praise you, Lord for your goodness. Thanks for opening my eyes yet again to where I could be were it not for your grace. Thanks for the people in my life who have pointed me towards You. Thanks for your salvation and giving me a new, better life. I am ever growing, and am so imperfect, but one day I will be. One day I will be in my glorified body and in your full presence. You are so good, Lord. I praise you for Who you are!